newjourneys

Its been about a year and a half since I've posted. I started a diet today and something about being in that mindset triggered a memory of this journal. I guess I link being on a diet to posting in this journal, and vice versa.

I graduate in May with my degree in interior design. I will be turning 30 a week before graduation. My boyfriend wants me to move to Los Angeles..I want to stay here or move to Seattle. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm headed. Maybe the diet is a distraction from working on the things that actually need attention. The diet wins for now.

Agh! 11PM and I still have two floorplans to do for tomorrow! Looks like an all-nighter tonight which means I will have to back out of going to the movies with Ashley tomorrow night. I'm really starting to build more of a friendship with her. I think there is a lot more to her than she shows people. Behind those smiles and cheerful demeanor, there is someone very sad about something. We went to dinner the other night and she told me she is afraid to break up with her boyfriend because he is the only person who really knows her. I looked at her and said, "You can change that. It's your choice. You can choose to open up to people, to connect with people, and when you do, you won't feel so dependent on that relationship anymore." She really looked like she was going to cry when I said that. It touched a nerve with her. She deserves so much more than her boyfriend is giving her. But then again, I've put up with a lot of shit from my past boyfriends!

I heard back from the Court. My request to have my jury duty postponed until Spring Break was granted!! I am fairly certain I will be cut from jury duty as soon as they find out I used to be a probation officer. ah, my former life. I don't miss that job!

Why is it that when you are single, everyone tries to fix you up with this person or that person? Part of me thinks that people are so surprised that I've decided not to date for a while (it is very out of character for me)and they've decided to test my committment to "taking time for myself". Its amusing really. I wonder if they have bets going to see when I will cave in and snatch up one of those boys they are tempting me with.

I'm so damn hungry.

I rarely talk to my mother anymore. She's got like this secret life down at her winter home in Florida. Her husband is back in Indiana now that the holidays are over, back at his chiropractic business and she's got my brother runnnig hers. So what the hell is she doing with her time? Apparently, she's taken up painting again. I love that she has that side of her. It brings out this relaxed, peaceful side of her that I never knew as a child.

My brother turned 30 last week which freaked the hell out of both of us. He quickly reminded me that I've only got two years before I, too, am 30. I don't want to think about it. Jesus. Where they hell did the time go?

And speaking of time, the clock ticks on and on and I still have two floorplans to draft tonight.

Did I mention that I'm hungry?

the Tony Robbins seminar was freaking OUTSTANDING!!!!!! I had no idea it was going to be so amazing! So much positive energy and excitement about my future.

I'm leaving for the Anthony Robbins seminar in Orlando tomorrow after my computer rendering class and I haven't even packed. I'm starting to feel frazzled about how much work I have to do before tomorrow in addition to packing and taking care of the cats. Then I stop and tell myself that it will all work itself out and the more energy I give to worrying, the less energy I have for getting everything done.

I'm excited about the seminar, especially after reading some posts on an Anthony Robbins community message board. Everyone's positive energy came through in their posts on the board so I can only imagine what the energy will be like this weekend at the seminar. I don't really know what I expect to come out of this weekend. I'm keeping an open mind, but I doubt that I will change my life as so many past participants claim.

This morning on my way out to my car to go to class, I fell on the ice on my front steps and fell on my face. Well, on my side really...and tore a hole in my jeans, got soaked by the very wet snow. My neighbor witnessed this from the warmth of his car as he drove past. I hate winter!

Weight loss is going well. Slow and steady.

Finally got a battery for my new scale. My fat percentage is ridiculous, yet instead of simply hating myself, I am motivated to decerase the number. The is something comforting in things that can be quantitatively measured. Seeing that number decrease has me thinking beyond just cutting back on food. That alone will only decrease my weight, but now I have a new challenge...building muscle, losing fat. Losing fat, not muscle. A new task to control my thoughts and actions.

I'm okay with that for now.

Nathan called me from a bar in Charleston where he was watching the superbowl. An odd time to be calling me, I thought. It was so difficult to hear each other over the crowd. Then it ocurred to me that he was slightly buzzed and from the things he said, was also missing me. Why does he care for me so much? I feel so unworthy. We established that he will go to my high school reunion with me in the fall. Having a good friend there will make it much more bearable. He went to junior high with these people too so it makes it much more interseting than if I were to take a boyfriend who didn't know anyone there.

The anothony robbins workshop in Florida is coming up this weekend. I was so excited about that when I first signed up. Now that I'm back in my funk, it seems that I'm more excited about the fact that there are 4 MAC stores in Orlando as well as a sephora. Who knows, maybe the workshop will motivate me. I will come home with a new attitude...and a shitload of eyeshadow and lipglass.

I miss being thin and I miss the happy feelings I got from it. Everything was so wonderful in those times. I feel as though I am in this dark buble looking out at the rest of the world...looking back on my past, wanting to go back, or forward...anyplace but here but I feel so damn trapped.

Had a date last night and it made me even more aware of the fact that I am just not ready for dating yet. I came home feeling sad and empty so I binged on pizza and ice cream. Now I weigh more than I did a week ago and hate myself. Why did I do it? I don't understand. Comfort? Subconscious desire to make myself too unatractive to date? I wasn't even hungry, for food anyway.

Cleaning out the shower I found a massive wad of hair in the drain which only served to further lower my self-image. Why all of the sudden is my hair falling out? I'm only 27 years-old for Christsake.

Chalk this week up to a dieting failure.

Bought a scale at Target that tells you your fat percentage. Of course I can't find a battery that fits the darn thing.

Bleh, I suck.

I have been avoiding the answering machine..my way of bypassing the need to return phone calls about dates. If I don't hear the message, I don't feel the guilt...on a consious level. I received an email from my friend Nathan asking me if I got his message. I realize at this point that I need to confront the blinking red light on my machine. This turns out to be a good thing. My mother called. So I guess we are speaking again. Then I have several phone calls from friends, one of whom I haven't talked to since she moved to Miami in June. I can't believe it has been that long, but time flies when you are in codependent relationships and forget about your friends. Hearing from her has lifted my spririts and put me in touch with that part of me that is spiritual. I can't help but notice how many friends have come back into my life in this past week. the timing strikes me as something more than a coincidence to the recent priority I've placed on building friendships. I think of my father and wonder if he is looking after me. This is the third time in several years that I have thought of him as my guardian angel. the feeling is strong, and given my detachment from religion, notions of after life or higher powers, I feel uncomfortable by this thought. But a good discomfort meaning that it is challenging my beliefs and forcing me to consider the impossible. I'm embarrassed that I'm even writing this. I feel so vulnerable and exposed sharing this thought about my father. I have a lot of growth to do in this area.

I looked ugly today.

Given my feelings about my appearance, I am avoiding men like the plague. Not returning phone calls and down to the point of deleting emails from guys trying to set up dates. I've run out of excuses to postpone dates. I don't know how much of this behavior stems from my appearnce and how much stems from my heartache from my breakup with Ray.

I'm throwing myself into school out of what I originally thought was a regained excitement for design. I wonder, am I really excited about design, or am I just so disinterested in dating that I have nothing else to put my energy into? How much attention will school get when the next brown eyed guy steals my heart? This reminds me of an Ani Difranco song. She sings, "is he different, has he changed? or is he just a liar with nothing to lie about?" Am I still burnt-out on school, but have nothing else to obsess about, nothing else to put my compulsive energy into? I'm a relationship addict.

I love, love, love my design classes this semester! I'm so happy to be excited about this again. Tonight, a fun assignment, but one that will keep me up late nonetheless. Ah, the pressure to be creative! Why is it easier to get a bad grade on a test or exam, but suddenly when artwork is involved, the risk of embarrasment is so intense. The criticism of any design projects brings such shame, even criticism in the smallest form. Is artwork more personal than a paper that I've put time and thought into? Apparently so, and I don't know if this is good or bad. It is great to be passionate about something, but painful to not be perfect at the thing you care most about. Its a double-edged sword.

Another tooth cracked today. I spent $7,000 in dental bills last year and now this! This is my punishment for those years that I was bulimic. A constant reminder of those shameful times spent with my head in the toilet puking up my glutony. As if the experience itself wasn't punishment enough, now my teeth are paying the price.

Yay, I'm losing weight today and I don't even know how that is possible considering how much I ate today. I had donuts! freaking donuts. Among other things too! Anyhow, my metabolism must be up or something because I weigh less than I did when I woke up. Yay!

Despite my good mood today, I am accutely aware of the fact that my mother has not called me since I returned from Florida.

Had a pretty good day. No depression. I think that that getting out of the house and interacting with people really helps to pull me out of my funk.

Got an email from an old friend from high school today regarding the upcoming class reunion. It was great to hear from her and we ended up exchanging several lengthy emails today catching up on things. Turns out she lives right here in Colorado!! We are going to meet up soon when our schedules coordinate, probably March. It really made my day to catch up with an old friend, especially given how important building friendships has become to me lately.

Very excited about school again. I'm finally starting to feel some of that passion for design that I once had. this feeling of excitement carries me through the day and will hopefully carry me through the semester! I love being happy and having positive feelings. Why can't I always feel this way?

Went to the art store for drafting supplies and ran into Ann from school there. She's rather unpredictable in terms of whether or not she will be friendly or not. Today, at the art store, she was in her anti-social mood which really caught me off guard given how friendly she'd been in my two classes. She's really hit or miss and I guess I just have to keep trying and take the good with the bad. At least she isn't boring!

I've been back from my 4 weeks of traveling for almost a week now and I've done absolutely nothing other than attend classes. Haven't looked for a job, haven't even finished unpacking, and I haven't even opened the door to my art studio yet. I really need to get that cleaned up and organized. I feel so lazy.

I have to get out of the house. I hate my house. I hate who I am in this house. Isolated, depressed, obsessive, and lonely. I'm so much happier anyplace else.

Okay, i'm going out, I don't know where. Target? I have nothing I'm in desperate need of there but if I go to Barnes and Noble I will just spend too much money on books that I come home to read, further isolating myself. Everything I need to be doing needs to be done here around the house but I'm going freaking insane here. I'm just going to get in my car and drive until I figure something out I guess, but I can't sit here another second!!!

I hung out with A. last night. We went to dinner and I noticed several men checking us out. good-looking men, and I didn't even care or make eye contact with them. I was more intersted in my conversation with A. I find this noteworthy and see this as progress. Or maybe progress isn't the right term, but the situation indicates to me that I truly am focused on making friends and building my friendships, a huge indicator that it just is not the right time for me to be dating. It has lost its importance which is wonderful. I never should have put so much energy towards men anyhow. Maybe I'm finally getting a clue about life, friendship, and taking care of myself.

A. seemed uneasy towards the end of our meal and she told me that the little girl sitting behind me was bothering her,making her uncomfortable. She's told me before that children trigger emotions about her own abortion. Last night, the look on her face told me just how painful those memories are for her.

After dinner we go for coffee and talk for awhile. She tells me that she doesn't want to go to church on Sunday because she knows that they are going to talk about abortion. a. doesn't reveal much about her innermost thoughts and looking back, I wish I would have gotten her to talk more about this but instead I put in my two cents about how she shouldn't go if it will make her uncomfortable. I wish I would have encouraged her to open up more.

We went to see the movie "win a date with tad hamilton". A. tells me at the beginning of the movie, "Oh great, now I am going to go home and cry after seeing this movie." and it didnt' make any sense because the movie is uplifting and fluffy. I say, "Why?" and she tells me it is because she doesn't have a Tad Hamilton in her life which again indicates to me that her relationship with her boyfriend is less than satisfactory.

At the end of the night, I go home feeling really happy that I'm continuing to connect with A. and I tell myself that I need to pick up when she is opening up to me. She is a closed-off person and if I am going to continue to be friends with her, I really need to treat the times that she does open up to me as "her time" to talk, not for me to talk about myself, my opinions, etc. Rarely does she open up and I feel as though I cut her off twice tonight when she tried opening up. I think I will call her this afternoon and see how church went for her.

I did not get much sleep and my head is killing me. It is clear that the Phentermine is the cause of this, and only after one day.

I really would like to be productive today, I hope this headache goes away.

In a much better mood this afternoon, despite not being very productive today. The day is young.

Going to organize my room and do some feng shui. My love corner is dusty and my health area is in dyer need of some attention.

No word from Nathan for the past two days. Does he regret confessing his attraction to me? Is he hurt that my feelings for him are only friendly and not of any romantic nature? I'm actually rather proud of my tactfully worded response to him. I didn't lead him on, yet didn't come right out and say no chance, buddy. What more can I do.

Nathan wrote very kind things about me in his email to me yesterday and all I can think about is how undeserving I feel of those comments. I wrote him back saying I don't understand how he can possibly be attracted to me right now after seeing how messed up my life is. He wrote back saying that I am a survivor, a fighter, I will improve my life, etc. He reminds me of the times that his life crumbled and how I never judged him for his DUIs or for dropping out of school. For a brief instant, I am reminded that despite how much I loath myself right now, I am a good person. This makes me uncomfortable....why? Why does it make me cry to read good things about myself?



I am feeling optimistic and positive about my committment to making new friends. I think back on this week and I realize that I put myself out there more and extended myself to my classmates. I initiated contact, conversations, etc. and it paid off. Lunch with Rachael helped me understand more about her, yet now, more than before, I find her intriguing and want to continue to connect with her. Why she cannot connect with her peers is still a question lingering in my mind. The same for Ashley. I called her a few nights ago and in that conversation, we talked about her, and what is going on in her life. It felt good to put the focus on her after she has been so attentive and helpful to me these past few months. I want to pay her back the kindness and frienship she has shown me. In our conversation she makes a comment about how her boyfriend is jealous of her many friendships with men and how he shouldnt' be jealous beacuse he knows that she doesn't have many female friends, doesn't connect with women. I make a mental note to bring this up in another conversation. As with Rachael, I am curious as to why Ashley doesn't connect with her female peers. I also find it noteworthy that I have the same issue and these two women have sought me out as friends, or vice-versa. What does this say about me? Why do they feel comfortable with me and not others? Because we are so similar in our inability to connect with our peers?

Feeling excited about my classes this semester and now regaining that energy and excitement about my future, a career in interior design, and getting the hell out of this town. Now that I know that I am staying in the design program with the intention of finishing, that locks me into living here for 2 years and 3 and a half months. This is a long time to stay here when I think about wanting to start my life elsewhere, meet that special person, and start a family. I feel as though I have to postpone this dream of settling down now. If I find that person here, I will have to stay here after graduation. This limits my job prospects as well as the fact that I would really like to start over somewhere like Portland or Seattle. So do I wait to find romance for two and a half years? Really, I am not ready for anything now given my recent emotional tolls with Ray, the abortion, and the current issue of not liking my body. THis is not the time for me to start something new in the romance department. I have so much work to do on myself. Yet, I will be ready for romance long before 2 and a half years. If I were younger, I might not be so stressed about this, but I will be 30 when I graduate and who knows how much my looks will have faded by then. My hair is thinning, my body is getting increasingly difficult to manage and keep in shape, and now with the ephedrine ban, my appetite is out of control. "Who will want me when I am 30?" I ask myself. This question alone is an indicator, a big freaking red flag of my problems. I need to like myself, to have the self-confidence I used to, before I am ready to meet my soulmate. I wouldn't want for him to meet me now and see the dyer circumstances of my life right now. The abortion tore me apart, yet at the same time made me increasingly aware of the children I long to have. I hate Ray for not being supportive, for being so selfish. I regret my decision and now worry that I will never have a family. And now with staying here and finishing school, it only pushes my desire further down the road. How old will i be before I have children? Probably not for at least another 5 years given that I will be here for two and a half, and assuming that I meet someone within the first few months of moving when I am 30, it will probably be another two years before marriage, and then children. I really need to put these obsessive thoughts, worries out of my mind. The reality is that if I really wanted children and a family now, I could find some average or less than average guy to accommodate me. Yet I haven't. So this tells me that subconsciously, there is something far more than children and a husband that I am longing. What is it? What is it that I REALLY want that is driving me to finish school, to hold off on settling for less. What is less? What is the more? am I looking for someone successful and think that I have nothing to offer now? Do I feel that I will be more of a catch if I have a design degree instead of just this social work degree which I haven't really used much? I think this is a large part of it. I don't feel I have anything to offer now. I don't want to wind up with someone who, like me, struggles with money and security. HOly crap. I am one of THOSE women...the kind that want security from a man. Jesus. I don't know whether to be ashamed of this, or to feel relieved that I am getting to the bottom of my problems and appreciate this discovery about myself for what it is; insight into my psyche. Getting to the heart of the matter is a painfully intimate look at myself and what really motivates me.